My son recently removed his wife and my grandchild from Kentucky to Kansas to seek his fortune.
This Sunday morning, he telephoned to tell of a new business opportunity recently made available to him. This Better Business Bureau cleared venture seemed sound and workable. To the end of setting up his new career, a fax machine was required. Thus, it came to pass that he telephoned me to inquire if such a device might be provided in fulfillment of certain birthday representations heretofore made unto him. The request seemed reasonable and was approved.
Said son had already selected an inexpensive fax machine from the "Office Depot" interstate chain store in Lawrence, Kansas. He felt, and I agreed, that it should be a relatively simple matter for me to go to the local "Office Depot," store, existing under the same corporate control, located ten minutes from my home in Northern Kentucky, and to pay for such a machine there. He could, it was reasoned, then pick up an identical machine from the store in Kansas. There was a certain symmetry to this reasoning, reflecting the marvels of the brave new world technology had provided us, and the congenial flexibility generated and found in great corporate structures The plan seemed sound.
So, acting thereupon did I travel unto the "Office Depot" near my home. I stated the proposal to the assistant manager, who checked with the manager, who told of a method of so doing by calling a toll free number and of paying by credit card. Ah, so far so good, thought I, pleased with the plan of my child, who is so bright I call him son.
I, the only customer in the store, was then referred to a young man who was to show me the fax machines. He led, I followed. We went to copiers, to scanners, and to other things that seemed to confuse him. Finally, we found fax machines, which he seemed unable to distinguish from washing machines. Rather than waste my time and his in education, I told him I could look them over for myself and that he would thereby be free to repair to other duties.
From the offered array, I selected a "Panasonic KX-FP80 Plain Paper Fax Machine," store number 374-981, for $99.99, truly a fair price for a miracle. I then sought to find additional "ink film," used to make the miracle machine turn electrons into words on a page of paper. The young man was again summoned. I showed him my selection and asked for the whereabouts of additional fax film for this device. After minimal searching, he took me to a shelf full of boxes of various fax replacement films. When he had searched unsuccessfully for some time among the "Brothers" fax products, I compassionately suggested our errand might be better served if we looked among the "Panasonic" offerings. This was done. A Panasonic ink film box was found that contained one roll of film. Another displayed box contained two rolls. He opined that the first box actually had two rolls as well, in that the picture on the box showed two cylinders. I did not have the heart to explain that a single roll of ink film actually has two ends, and that it feeds from one spool to another, like an ancient scroll. At least, he is working.
Armed with both manufacturer's and store's numbers and prices, it was time to make the toll free call. By now, my conditioning was such that it came as no surprise to be informed that I (still, if not the only, at least one of the few customers in a store filled with idle employees) was required to make this call myself to try to achieve the mission upon which I had originally journeyed to this for-profit business, a mission whose successful completion could only inure to the greater earnings of this corporate vendor of officeabilia.
Upon being directed to the telephone and shown the posted number, I, in rapt anticipation, dialed.
The now universal and obligatory Calling Tree was kinder than most, and I was soon connected with that rarity of corporate America, a seemingly living human being of female persuasion. She asked if I had an account. I said I did not. She said I would have to give some information to proceed, which I did, not wanting to confuse her by saying that first it might be desirable to see if the project could be done at all. I gave her name, address, phone, etc. Then I told her I wanted a Panasonic Plain Paper Fax, number KX-FP80.
She said that Panasonic Plain Paper Fax KX-FP80 had been discontinued.
Calling upon long training in Zen meditation, I explained I had taken the name and number from an extant widget of that very description living in the Northern Kentucky store. Incredulous, she asked for the number of the store in Kentucky, something I might in simpler times have thought might be within the collective knowledge of the corporation's National Toll Free Customer Service Line Department. Nonetheless, I asked this information of the assistant manager in Kentucky, who, to her great credit, actually knew it. The entity on the phone at Corporate Central then asked if I knew the store number of their corporation's store in Lawrence, Kansas. I said that I did not, but that I could provide the address and telephone number given me by my son when this longest day had started back with his call of innocent inquiry and request. The contact information for their Lawrence, Kansas store was taken by the entity. Hopefully, it was recorded in some file that holds corporate knowledge--never know when that sort of thing might be handy to know.
The Lawrence store was called by the entity, and I could hear the conversation. Another entity, presumed to be in the Lawrence, Kansas store answered. The corporate entity (CE) than asked the Kansas entity (KE) if the Kansas store had a Panasonic Plain Paper Fax KX-FP80. The KE told the CE that he would check and that we should please hold.
A long time passed. How long I cannot say, but I have spent less time listening to political speeches. A female KE then came on line. The initial KE had been male. The female KE asked if she could help. I waited for the CE, who I thought waited with me, to respond. When no answer came from the National Toll Free Customer Service Line Department, I explained that there was a male KE who was checking to see if the Lawrence, Kansas Office Depot had a Panasonic Plain Paper Fax KX-FP80. The female KE said that she guessed the male KE was still on that mission and would be back in good time. Guess so. But with the CE seemingly having gone south, of what good would such information then be? I could not even fantasize starting over.
I waited a right smart piece on the voiceless line. Then I hung up. And I left the Northern Kentucky Office Depot.
"Hope you found everything alright," the assistant manager said.
Edwin Kagin
April 29, 2001